{♥}theloveof3{♥}

large-hardon-kollider:

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(Source: fairytentaclemomster)

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dear tumblr, 

before i start to write i have to apologize for the vulgarities and every freakin things i state here. my emotion are just too big to think a proper word. nahhh, that bitch doesnt even deserve proper stuff. just give her garbage to eat and she’ll jump happily.

sincerely, 

mvm.

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fuuuuuuuuuckkkk!!!!!!!! what the fuccccckkk that i saw just now??!!?!? 

that facebook page literally kills my day. i swear i didnt pray or expect anything like this and during the time like this.

what should i do? o my my… i tought that my decision to ask him back because he is that precious is right. it turns out to be HELLA WRONG!!!!

who’s that fathaaafaackaaz date to post some lovely dubly stuff on his page?!?!? 

i know because of the current relationship i didnt deserve to be angry or any freakin stuff but hell come on!!!!!!!

its barely a week after that hell day man!!! and i see some stuff like this?

oh god, i just felt that i waste y time to just think about him and his world and even PROPOSE?!?!? like FUCK. seriously?!??!!? i still cant believe it!!

on a hell note, she is seriously donna burn in a deepest darkest hotest and most cruel hell that everybody knows.

drag him as well. i dont even freeeeeeaaaaaakkkkkkkkkking know who’s right or wrong here. my my my..

on the road i just pray and hope that valentine this year i wish to be the first one that i have a date. after i saw that.. HELL FREAAAAKIIING NO!!!!

guys are just fuuuukkiing the same. 

whyyyy oh my gooddddddd 

srsly what am i lack of?!??!?!?!? why that bitch even appear?!?!?!?!

why he is that fuuuukkkiiiiinnn stupid to have someone like her???

not to be racist but i suspect that she is from “that country” who works as prostitute in town. i know well my boy. ok„ ex boy. he used to like to play in such place n sleep with girls. what theee fuuuukkkkk?!?!?!??!?!???!?!

he said he already changed and didnt do that again. now that not even a week that witchy bitch appear on his wall!??!?! oh damn…

i just cant believe it…

dammit 

i swear if he appear in front of my face tonight i will hit him with my heels. until bleeding, lotsa blood, pain, meat comes out from his forehead, lost his brain if needed. well actually he lost it already so i scratch that last one. 

BIIIITTTTTTCCCHHHHHH! yes, and that BITCHY creature too! FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUKkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

i stumbled upon some website about emotionally abused. just because i feel very very down these days. as usual, my mom comes to town, and this time for christmas and new year holiday.

i do admit that i did one stupid thing. i confess my secret that i have been keeping for nearly two years. about my no longer virgin body. since then she blew up until today, the 5th day i always cried. in front of behind her.

i feel like my mental is unstable. my mind said that i am a confident girl and almost success to bring my life back up again. until she talks to me, mad at me, shout at me, nag at me. since then i dont know who i am anymore, i lost it, i felt a big fail that i am not anyone anymore.

the second day i tried to runaway but i failed. and i regret that. as the feelings i felt now. 

she brought up things about religion. i know i am not that holy and i’ve lost my jewel some more. my daily prayer also not perfect. but all this time i try to remember my god, Allah all time that i can. and i am in an attempt to be better at my religious life. its my will. and i know i can do it. she brought up that i am just a rubbish, and an evil too. with that, of course i lost my confidence and lessen my strong will to get better, because of i dont know if i have power to be better or not, to fix things or not.

http://eqi.org/eam1.htm

http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Emotionally-Abusive-Parents

http://www.agingcare.com/Questions/caregiver-being-emotionally-abused-148848.htm

back to what i done today, researching about emotionally abusing mother. i read that out just to answer my curious thirst. i guess i became an emo for these days the first thing i did while clicking the link is cry.

i cried because am i sure i want to open this? am i sure she is te one who disturbed, not me? and because i love her too, and dont really want if we both in that position. 

i read, read, and read.  blew up in tears. i felt i am doing sin to do a research on her. it turns out to be true. the checklist in those website is all correct. about the symptoms, about my current situation and everything.

i loved her too much. all people said i dont have to think about what she said too much and just rely on my confidence. but i dont want to ignore her as well. 

as a child i dont know what  should think. in one side i have been hurted alot. been crying alot and wanting to get away from this. but in another side, my love to her is infinite. i really want those times, an appropriate times for mom and daughter. no need fancy things but just a pure two hearts loving each other.

these years, if its there no quarrel, there will be no conversation at all. everytime, i felt all the guilt of everything i had done. i drink, i smoke, i lied sometimes, i lost my v, shout back, running away, and been attempted to kill my self too. 

i wanted to built my life back is that a hard thing to ask? is that so? i have tried to do it everytime, and everytime i felt that i nearly done fixing, there’s always something that comes up and brings me down again. final touch, i abused alcohol sometimes and everytime abuse cigarettes. 

i turn myself back into that hole. that deep black hole. i have no strength to pull myself back up again.

i have been hurted  to lost my v that fast. and i have tried to get over it and built my new me for these years. and now, as she said that i have no value anymore, i am back to the base. i have no one to support me. i know they exist. they have been so kind to hear my thoughts to cheer me up, to support me. but these guys are out of my reach. its hard to contact them when i amnear my mom. as she doesnt allow me to be in touch with them.

she said the reason why i cant bee that free to be frends with them, just because i go drink, smoke, and party with these guys. now she thinks club is a dumpster. but hey, all these many2 many2 times people who trully are people i found there. i know them inside and out. okay i admit not all people in places like that are good, but i am some of the lucky i found them there. and i learned whole lot more life values from there. and amazingly, people who remind me to remember god are these guys. shocking huh?

i dont want to critique that i am not happy being her daughter. i know what she gone through. i know why she did like that to me, but am i still deserve this? am i in a right position to ask if i am okay to doubt this. 

i need to log off. she called me

this is the first day of him going back to the home town.

i know i am such a cry baby i just be with him fr 2 months but now that he gone fr just 3 weeks i just felt alone again.

but after rewind from what happen 2 weeks ago.. everything hard went on to me.

i just need companion. my face looked dooper ugly and darken cus of stressed.

now today like this„ just been some hours but i went crazy already. i need that comfort of him. says that everythings going to be ok and relax. 

why the timing is like this? when i am stressed i lefted alone? i cant blame anything.

and why i am so scared to be alone again?

arent last time i always alone?this end of the year r so saddening for me. 

i have debt nearli 2000 dollars and my academics arent so shining anymore i grew fat my family matters and here i am alone.

just if he’s here i can somehow forget of those stress. atleast i could share what stories i have to him to make me relax. even his advice is old but i love to hear it. somehow things that we often hear are things we often forget. 

i just wanna cry till i tired i think that will help. i cant just keep it inside as always. i just wanna pour it out

this comes again to my ears through my heart.

i am seriously regret that i was being good to let my mom knw all my stories.

to let her know all my life.

to let her know all my friends.

now, she use all of it for a weapon to just literally kill me slowly.

who doesn’t hate being compared with another people?

another kids? or even her own past stories.

its just becomes my daily meal to hear her brag about how success she was and how useless i am now.

i seriously regret i stop my ana. just to consider her and her husband. to not let them cry over my bones.

rather than i stop all of my ana and just self destruct myself in another way its better for me to just kill my self slowly starting from my fats.

it enough to hear i am fat, ugly, a whore, bitch and everything.

fuck it all, i am definitely gg back to my ana and i wanna let them see how i torture myself n let them see i am dying slowly.

its what they want right? they dont want to see me ugly? they compare it to them self? i will make them eat their own shit. srsly.

i dont know why i am such a devil now. i am inhuman. but seriously, i am me. if my heart being disturbed, i will make them feel twice or thrice more hurtfull even if its by killing myself.

thank you, i will get my bones back.

and for those who read my post. i am not ana wannabe or everything. i am being an ana by my own choice. revenge. and every revenge is sweet as i know. ;)

like it or not about my reason i dont care. i am determined to be perfect. by my own parents since i was a kid. now when i get my life, they still not happy. and just prefer me to be somebody else. now when i am somebody else they dont like it. i dont know how they want me to be.

sometimes i just wonder why i am being born if finally i just cant get my life, i was born just to be compared, just to be made the life by them. its however they like my life would be like. i cant make my own decision since i was born. i never get it. i have to play trick to get what i want from them. i wasnt allow to.

now, i am fully sober and i am now try bravely to decide. ana come back to me.

damn finally after a long time i didnt touch this account hha..

anyway, am back with a bet.. together with my frnd i promised to reshape my body, not in counting of kgs or lbs, but just feeling the body shape is right…

in a month, i should get the body that i want.

if not i should open a magnum size moet in a club.

damn. that’ll gonna make me broke in just a snap of hand. so yeah„ i should’ve reach the goal.

and am gonna fill this every single day since later today to the 30th day.

damn am motivated just because i dont wanna waste money. hha

so, i should’ve do this right this time.

soymilk in d morning or coffe

a simple meal for lunch

and fruit for dinner

just for frikkin 30 days, i think i could and i should :)

cya peepss~~ :*